The First Month Off The Medications You Have Been Taking Daily for Approximately 14 Years, If You Remember Correctly
At one week,
The headaches move from ear to ear
A reminder that your body does not approve
Your eyes dart like strobe lights
Nausea turns a few blocks into a rhythmic hell
The cruelest metronome
Never misses a beat
Forget “advil” or “Tylenol”
This is retribution for dependency
You are paying for 14 years of borrowed comfort
Each breath feels hazardous
Each step is just that, one small step in what you hope is the right direction
Even when you sleep, your body protests
~~~~~~
At two weeks, a boy makes a suggestion
You decline,
But find yourself walking through a town that is slow at the edges
Looking at your frosted world thinking
Isn’t this fascinating?
The cheapest drunk there ever was
Some people would call this crazy
~~~~~~
At three weeks,
You feel your reactions like neon lights
Bright and colorful
And way too intense
You are on a bench laughing
And your friends are laughing
And you are laughing and then
You are really laughing
It hurts this laughing
It burns, this laughing and then you are crying
And you are laughing
And you are embarrassed
And you are unstoppable
Thinking Normal people don’t feel like this
But you do now
Some people would call this crazy
~~~~~~~~~
At one month,
Every loud noise is an electric shock
You shriek in the subway
Everyone is looking at you
Your nerves a thin layer of ice
The crunchy kind
People are staring at you and you feel the tears
Breaking through your wall of wide eye
You are laughing
Because you were crying,
And the absurdity of the reaction is in fact
Hilarious
Some people would call this crazy
This strange emotional high
It thrills you
The prospective emotional low terrifies you
The last time you forgot your meds, it found you after two weeks
It has been four weeks
You must be winning
You are working on your breathing
Crazy
Counting to 10
Crazy
Pushing for neutral
Crazy
You forgot how exhausting it is to feel so much all the time
Crazy
You are grateful
Those old stabilizers
They were important
They were necessary
But you are older now
Ready for this
You have never been more ready
To go crazy
